Unexpected comedy

The owner of the house I'm living in has two books on his coffee table: How To Be A Gentleman and the sequel, As A Gentleman Would Say. I thought they were strange choices for the only books visible in the house and wouldn't have touched them. But Cheryl (bless her heart) opened them up and we were soon in stitches. Looking through these books and seeing all the ways my gentleman skills could improve had me wondering if Cheryl actually planted them herself (J/K). These books actually have some interesting information, but they're also filled with comedic gems. Here are some of my favorites...

• A gentleman does not shout at deaf people or at people who are blind.
• When a gentleman wears a cummerbund, he makes sure the pleats are turned up. (In that way, they can actually be used as tiny, secret pockets, perhaps for the safekeeping of theater tickets.)
• If a gentleman does not speak French, he does not attempt to use French words.
• When a gentleman outgrows his clothes, he gives them away to charity. He does not pretend that someday he will lose weight. When, and if, he does lose weight, he certainly will not want to celebrate by wearing out-of-date clothes. Whoops...

Here are a few great situations from As A Gentleman Would Say. The "what not to say" examples are the best...

When a gentleman is introduced to a friend's newly adopted son or daughter...
He does not say:
"Don't worry. He'll start looking like you after a while."
"Look out! You'll probably get pregnant right away."
"Are you going to tell her she's adopted?"
"Aren't you kind to give a poor orphan a home."

But he does say:
"Congratulations. He's a very lucky boy, and you're a lucky mommy and daddy too."

When an acquaintance reveals to a gentleman that he and his wife are taking fertility drugs...
He does not say:
"Couldn't you just adopt? Think of all the unwanted children out there."
"That's an awful lot of money to spend just to have a baby."
""Which of you has the problem?"
"Watch out! You could end up with a litter."
"If God had wanted you to have children..."

But he does say:
"Well, good luck, Larry. I'll be looking forward to the blessed event."

When a gentleman has difficulty understanding a person who has a foreign accent — or a speech impediment...
He does not say:
"Isn't there some kind of sign language you people use?"
"What's the matter? Don't they speak English where you come from?"
"Wow. You must really have a hard time using the telephone."

But he does say:
"I hope you'll pardon me as I want us to be able to have this conversation, but I'm having a hard time understanding you."

If a gentleman notices, mid-conversation, that another gentleman's fly is open...
He does not say:
"Look out, Bob, the barn door's open."
"So, I see Mary Jane gave you red silk boxers for Valentine's Day."
"You know, you could get arrested for walking around that way in Utah."

But he does say:
"Jim, your fly is open."

When a friend tells a gentleman that he is gay or that she is a lesbian...
He does not say to him:
"Well, that's fine. Just don't get any ideas about me."
"Funny, you don't act gay."
"As if everybody didn't already know."

He does not say to her:
"But you're so feminine."
"I bet the right man could change that."
"What a shame."

But he does say:
"I'm glad you feel comfortable telling me that, Tad or Tabitha."

When a friend tells a gentleman that his or her child (or sibling) is gay, and the gentleman is not sure whether the family is happy about the revelation...
He does not say:
"Maybe it's just a phase."
"I always thought he [or she] was sort of an oddball."
"I'm so sorry. I know you always wanted grandchildren."
"Well, at least you'll never have to hire a decorator."

But he does say:
"Michael (or Sue) is a wonderful person. That's the thing that really matters."

And then there's a chapter at the end called "When Good Guys Go Bad: Talking your way out of trouble when you've blown it, big time" that includes this...

When a gentleman, in the throes of passion, calls out a name, and it is not the name of anyone who is in the room at the time...He will have some explaining to do. Even in the most intimate of moments, a gentleman thinks before he speaks, because, even if he is not listening to himself, somebody else probably is. And that person may very well be taking notes. If he does flub in this truly horrifying manner, he can only say, "I don't know what came over me." If his partner forces the issue by asking, "Who's Veronica?" the gentleman saves a ghastly moment by turning it into a triumph, transforming a potential insult into an awkward, but still appealing, compliment. "Ah, Veronica," he says with a sigh. "I met her years ago, and she was the first great love of my life. You're the only woman I've ever met who made me feel that special." If his love interest doesn't mind comparisons, even complimentary ones, the gentleman may escape with his life.